Ergodic Cogitation

Meep has been Banned

2009-11-14T10:17:00.003-06:00

(From www.beakersaviary.com)

Apparently kids at Danvers High School can no longer utter the "meep". Their principal has banned the word made famous by Beaker from The Muppets because the kids were going to repeat the word over and over again to disrupt class.

The principal learned of the plan from Facebook. If students use the word "meep" during school they could face suspension. The principal even sent an automated phone message to all parents of Danvers High School to let them know that this tomfoolery was planned on being carried out.

(From Wikipedia)

Seems to me if these kids were up enough on technology, they could have easily come up with a different word to use and thus avoid possible suspension.

I can't recall the last time I said the word "meep" but I am going to try to incorporate it into my everyday conversations, especially when I want to stop having those conversations. If a solicitor calls I am going to repeat "meep" until they hang up in frustration or reply to me using the word "meep". If I am shopping at Target any my daughter wants something and doesn't take "No" for an answer I am going to repeat the word "meep" until she nearly dies of embarrassment.

I am so thankful to these kids at Danvers High for introducing this word back into the English language.

House Cleaning Blog Style

2009-09-06T12:09:00.001-05:00

Less than 48 hours to go! Is anyone else as excited as I am to have the new school year start?

I will soon be able to blog on a much more regular basis. In anticipation of that I wanted to post a few reminders.

If you aren't already following me on Twitter please do. I follow back everyone who follows me. You can also follow me on Facebook too. I think it's the right link. I was just going to type that I don't understand how people can spend so much time on Facebook but when I went to get the URL I lost 20 minutes. Hmmm....

This here blog is now available on Kindle. Of course if you found me here I don't know why you would want me on the Kindle too but then I don't have one so I have no idea how the whole thing works. If you have a Kindle and you subscribe to blogs please leave a note in the comment section and let me know how you like it. I'd love to get one but I don't commute on a bus or train, I don't actually commute at all, I can open a book easier than a Kindle as well. The price tag alone keeps me from purchasing one but they do look cool. I'd love to be able to download a book in the middle of the night.

That's about it for now. Starting Tuesday you can look for more regular posts on this blog as well as the others.

Life is too short

2009-06-11T18:34:00.003-05:00

I haven't posted here or at my other blogs in a long time. I've been going through some stuff which you can read about here if you are interested. I'm back.

One of the things I have learned is that life is short.

Too short to wear an uncomfortable bra. I don't care how pretty it is if it hurts to wear it it isn't worth it.

Sorry Victoria.

Need Apple iPhone Accessories?

2009-05-11T11:32:00.005-05:00

Last year I bought an iPhone. I love new technology gadgets and rush out to get them if they are within my budget. The iPhone was not really in my budget but if I went without food for a few weeks and walked instead of driving it was doable.

I loved the iPhone. It came with just about everything one would need to have a successful experience with the product. However it was missing a few iPhone accessories. It need a screen protector and it didn't come with a case. I could have gone to the Apple store but then I'd have to go to the Mall of America and that is one place I would prefer to avoid if I can help it. If you are in need of Apple iPhone accessories one of the best places to buy iPhone accessories is a little known online store called Mobile Fun UK. It even sounds fun.

One of the biggest problems I have had with the newer phones, the ones with larger screens, is that my earrings scratch the screen. I hate that. It's like getting a new ding on your car except you caused it to happen. My options were few. I could stop wearing earrings or I could stop making calls on my cell phone. Neither were desirable options so I started looking for a case for my iPhone.

I quickly learned that the cases that were sold where they had iPhone accessories were not the greatest. They rarely covered the screen. The open face design of the Apple iPhone accessories were not what I needed. I needed something that protected the screen from my diamond earrings. What I ended up using was a product designed for the iPod. A clear piece of plastic that sticks onto the face of the iPhone with static electricity. I could let my iPhone get scratched all I wanted and then could simply change the cover. It was perfect.

I had issues with the iPhone aside from the cover. I loved the music I could play, I loved that I could surf the internet with my phone, I loved all the apps and games and that I could check the temperature in cities all around the world. What I did not like about the iPhone was that it was not a great phone. The service was fine but in order to make a call I had to go through at least four steps. The same to answer a call. This made driving challenging. Eventually I got rid of my iPhone and all my Apple iPhone accessories. I bundled them up and sold it on eBay for a nice chunk of change. I went back to my old flip phone until I could decide on the phone that was right for me. I did purchase an iPod touch which is the same thing as the iPhone without the ability to make a phone call. Since I don't hold it to my ear I don't need to worry about scratching the screen but if I were to start doing that I would be sure to find some iPhone accessories and I would be happy to buy them online from a fun place like Mobile Fun UK. I might not want to have things shipped from as far away as the UK but if I lived there I'm sure it would be a great transaction.

Swine Flu and Piglet Too

2009-05-07T12:06:00.003-05:00

(click to make bigger)

Ex #2 sent this to me last night. I usually cringe when I see he has sent me an email since the contents usually just piss me off. For some strange reason he sent me something really funny this time.

What Does "Clean The Cat Pan" Mean?

2009-05-05T11:56:00.002-05:00

I'll tell you what it doesn't mean. It does not mean empty the contents of the litter box into a garbage bag and then put the untied garbage bag filled with cat shit into the waste basket in the laundry room.

Campbell's Soup and KFC

2009-04-22T10:18:00.004-05:00

If you have been following the tooth saga, you know that the daughter is insisting that all her food either be cut up or she must eat soup. Since no one else wants to eat soup right now I picked up a few cans of Campbell's Tomato Soup To Go. They are one serving worth, they can be heated up in the microwave in the can and can be sipped with the little lid that comes with it. All in all very convenient, though it costs about ten times as much as a serving of soup that has to have water added to it and cooked on the stove. But there are no extra pots to clean up so worth it in my book.

Even though each can is one serving the child doesn't finish it. Argh. As I was cleaning up the leftover soup (pouring it down the drain) I noticed what looked like macaroni in the bottom of the can. At first I figured the child had put a few pieces of pasta into her soup since the opening on the lid is the perfect size to put such things in. Then it occurred to me that I had not made any mac and cheese in weeks since it is not soft enough to eat with a loose tooth (really, this is the world I live in, all of my own creation I realize). I was perplexed by the macaroni in the bottom of the can and decided to take a closer look. It is some kind of starch I am sure but I am not sure it is pasta. Whatever, I called the Campbell's Soup Company to let them know.

I called the number on the can and spoke with a woman who spoke English as a first language, a big gold star in my book, she took all the information on the can and said she would send me something to compensate me for my lost can of soup. I hadn't really lost the can, the contents were eaten (no one got sick). Luckily for the Campbell's Soup Company the daughter didn't notice the "macaroni" in the bottom of the can. Had that happened there would have been drama, a lot of drama and that would have required me to make a huge stink with the Campbell's Soup Company. Not only would there have been drama but the daughter would never again eat Campbell's soup and I would then be back to cutting PB&Js twice a day until the damn tooth falls out. The Campbell's Soup Company dodged a bullet.

While on the subject of food I want to tell you about the new grilled chicken from KFC. I didn't feel like cooking last night so an executive decision was made to go to KFC. I had heard about the new grilled chicken and thought we'd give it a try. I even printed off a coupon from their website (the coupon price was more than the price at the store so go figure). Since I have decided that diet season is in full swing, due to this picture, grilled chicken seemed like the way to go.

The chicken itself wasn't bad. It wasn't all dried out like I make it on the grill. For some reason I thought the chicken would be boneless and skinless, my mistake. The chicken was tasty but it smelled like...the grill. The smell the grill makes after not using it all winter. An icky kind of smell. Not the least bit appetizing unless it comes from an outdoor BBQ where it belongs. Not inside my house and not inside my new car. Daughter wanted mac and cheese and mashed potatoes as the sides so I ordered those. I know what you are thinking but they got the order wrong and gave me cole slaw instead of the mac and cheese. I'm not sure I like KFC grilled chicken. If they could take the smell away it would be fine and I suspect they can since my guess is they don't actually grill it but pour on a smoke flavor and paint some grill marks on the meat.

Have you tried KFC grilled chicken? Did you like it?

It's Too Bad Gitmo is Closing

2009-04-13T10:33:00.003-05:00

My daughter shows quite the talent for torture. Stanley is a Bassador. That means on top he is a lab and on the bottom he is a basset hound. He has no legs to speak of and there is absolutely no way he could get up this slide. But he could sit at the bottom of the slide and stare at the treat and whine for three days.

Kevin and Windy, don't grow up too fast.

2009-04-08T10:59:00.003-05:00

It's a week of celebrations in this area of the blogosphere.

Yesterday Kevin the goat arrived. Pricilla is doing well I understand and you can see the new baby here. Isn't he absolutely adorable? I teared up when I read the news that he had finally made his arrival. I am a little shocked at how much I was looking forward to his birth. Pricilla has been gracious enough to allow me to be Kevin's aunt Jenny. I am so excited. I've never been a goat aunt before but how hard can it be? With my nieces all I had to do was babysit and spoil them rotten. Welcome Kevin!

It is also Windy's birthday today. Windy turns one. What a big girl she is. I can't believe it has already been a year. How time flies. Hopefully she won't fly away anytime soon. She is still just a little girl. Kathy is celebrating with a cake. If you work with her you are to stop by and eat some cake, lots of cake.

Twitter

2009-04-03T09:40:00.003-05:00

Do you tweet? Or is it twit? I don't know. I joined Twitter a few months back. I'm not really sure I get it however. I see all these articles and stories about how addicting Twitter is yet I have yet to become addicted myself.

You can follow me here and I will most likely follow you back if your page is open to the general public. I get several requests a day to follow other twits but many times the pages have been removed or are locked. Why am I alerted to these pages? I don't know.

I'd appreciate it if someone would tell me how Twitter is supposed to make my life better because I haven't figured it out. I feed all my blog posts into twitter and if the title is provocative I see a few visitors from Twitter but I tend to get lost in all the Tweets.

Maybe it is because I don't hang around Twitter enough. If I see someone tweet something and I respond to it I don't usually wait for them to respond to my response. In all the hundreds of followers I am following and all the people following me I assume no one is paying attention unless I write about Forex or ED.

Please tell me how I am supposed to get addicted to Twitter, I really need another vice.

Spring

2009-03-20T21:04:00.003-05:00

(Click to make bigger)

Today is the first day of spring even though I woke up to fresh snow on our newly found grass. It melted soon enough but still not what I want to see.

Eventually summer will be here and when it is it brings all the Cheeseheads out on the lakes. At least the lakes in Wisconsin. This picture was taken last July 4th. This is what happens to people from Wisconsin when they haven't had football in a several months.

The Casserole

2009-03-16T12:15:00.000-05:00

Some people praise, exhalt, extoll
The glories of the casserole.
Some others eat and say they're sunk
Filled up with slippery, nameless GUNK!

-Jingles by Jack

Who Knows?

2009-03-15T16:12:00.001-05:00

If I had a chance to think things back,
Where would I start - alas, alack?
Would I erase my mark of pen?
Or write the same thing once again?

-Jingles by Jack

Far Out

2009-03-10T13:53:00.000-05:00

Some people dream of lotus land
And no one is the wiser.
While some, when ill, just take a pill
We call a tranquilizer.
I wonder why we shrink from life?
Perhaps I shouldn't wonder.
For everyone prefers the sun
To rain and hail and thunder.

-Jingles by Jack

The Dow Is Down

2009-03-09T13:51:00.000-05:00

I cannot view with much panache
If there will be a fiscal crash.

So, while I hold my ball point pen
I'll scratch out if and write in when.

-Jingles by Jack

Better Late Than Never

2009-03-07T17:39:00.002-06:00

I got your card today at noon.
My birthday's 40 days too soon.
Today is Thursday, June 0-6
I fell I've crossed the river Styx.
For I am riding life's nice wave,
So do not rush me to the grave.
For time, God knows, moves fast nough
As we drag on not up to snuff.
It's awfully nice to hear from you
I thank you for my quick debut.
I'm really 62, you see,
But now I feel like 63.

-Jingles by Jack

Our Commode

2009-03-06T17:36:00.000-06:00

We flush our John, the water swirls
Like lithesome, graceful ballet girls.
But when the water's quiet and cool
There still remains one lonely stool.

-Jingles by Jack

Evangelists

2009-03-05T17:26:00.003-06:00

My grandfather put together a collection of his poems and jingles back in 1976. He self published the little book and gave it to all his friends and family. He wrote constantly. I have boxes and boxes of his writings. Some poems are scribbled on cocktail napkins, newspaper crossword puzzles, whatever he had handy. For the next few posts I will be sharing some of them with all of you. Enjoy!

Evangelists

I guess I'm not an ordinary male.
Religiously I am beyond the pale.
I don't like religious teaching
That ends up in beseeching
Pontificating over hill and dale.

Each has his separate new deal.
Each church its individual spiel.
Grabbing members from each other
putting brother against brother.
I'd like to pinch them all and hear them squeal.

So, whatever faith that you may choose
You've simply got to hand it to the Jews
If they must, they're in there fighting
But they are not proselytizing
Which, religiously, is odd but not bad news.

Evangelists can rant and rave and boast
About how well they know the Holy Ghost
So they preach without abate
While the ushers fill the plate
Getting sinners to swell the heavenly host.

-Jingles by Jack

Do you need a lawyer, got a DUI in Newport Beach?

2009-03-03T12:19:00.004-06:00

I just found this list of keywords on one of those SEO blogs. I don't get SEO, I get the concept but I have no idea what I am supposed to do with the knowledge. I don't usually bother worrying about it since I am more worried about what to write and then getting to people over to read what I write. I'd love to focus on this aspect of my blog but until I have more visitors it doesn't seem all that important.

I don't want to write about DUI lawyers in Austin or DWI lawyers in Newport Beach. I suppose if I ever went there and drank too much it might come in handy but it isn't likely to happen.

If you are interested in writing about DUI lawyers or structured settlements here are the words that come in handy.

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san diego lemon law attorney $74.39
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san diego drunk driving lawyers $66.20
donating umbilical cord blood $64.52
consolidation interest loan low student $64.21
best term life insurance rates $62.39
denver dui attorney $62.17
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student loan conslidation $60.72
los angeles drunk driving lawyer $60.68
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san diego criminal defense attorney $60.20
school loans consolidation $60.02
sell structured settlement $59.82
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california dui lawyers $59.41
student loans consolidation $59.03
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austin dwi attorney $58.30
san bernardino dui attorney $58.16
auto quotes $58.09
education loan consolidation $58.05
irs tax attorneys $57.53
acs student loan consolidation $57.34
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tax debt relief $57.03
student loan debt consolidation $57.03
student consolidation loan $56.91
conference call services $56.68
cash for structured settlements $56.16
umbilical cord blood preservation $55.92
universal life insurance quote $55.46
immigration bail bonds $55.25
audio conference calling $55.14
florida auto insurance quotes $54.75
term life insurance quote $54.61
consolidate student loan $54.61
los angeles criminal defense $54.58
san diego dui attorney $54.56
federal direct student loan consolidation $54.55
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umbilical cord preservation $53.66
law loan consolidation $53.50
private student loan consolidation $53.41
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structured settlement $52.96
los angeles criminal defense attorney $52.80
austin dwi lawyer $52.75
consolidation of student loans $52.58
conference call numbers $52.56
student loan refinance $52.44
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student loan consolidation rate $52.36
donate cord blood $52.31
student loan consolidation interest rate $52.30
hero student loan consolidation $52.03
personal student loan consolidation $52.02
quicken mortgage calculator $51.77
tescos motor insurance $51.74
ca dui lawyers $51.30
consolidate student loans $51.23
conference calling service $50.88
private student loans consolidation $50.74
massage school ventura $50.61
donate used car $50.61
dui attorney irvine $50.43
best term life insurance $50.14
all state car insurance $49.96
lasik new york $49.86
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consolidation student loans $49.82
california lemon law attorney $49.67
student loan consolidations $49.57
structured settlements cash $49.56
term life insurance premiums $49.15
los angeles criminal defense lawyers $49.10
california lemon law $49.02
cord blood donations $48.91
mesothelioma diagnosis $48.82
loan consolidation programs $48.77
los angeles dui $48.69
no win no fee claims $48.67
student loan consolidation interest $48.34
los angeles lemon law $48.28
arizona family law $48.26
lasik eye surgery new york $47.82
dc dui lawyer $47.81

Good luck

Why Do Dogs Have Big Ears?

2009-03-02T14:31:00.003-06:00

My daughter asked me this questions a few days ago. I did not have an answer for her. I thought about all the biological reasons a dog might have big floppy ears or as my daughter calls them, down ears as opposed to up ears which little yippy dogs seem to have. We don't do little yippy dogs in this house and certainly not dogs with up ears. I like big, stupid dogs who sleep all day and night and bark every now and then to let the hoodlums know not to mess with our stuff.

But I really didn't know why dogs have ears like they do. Until today when I looked over at Stanley and noticed that his ear is placed strategically to keep the sun out of his eyes so he can sleep in the sun. It all makes sense now. I wish I had big down ears.

This might actually explain why little yippy dogs with up ears are so hyper. They don't get a full 23.5 hours of sleep each day like other dogs. They can't since they have up ears and they probably have to compensate for that by drinking a lot of coffee and then run around the house like a bat out of hell because they are so wired.

What does this date actually mean?

2009-02-26T17:14:00.002-06:00

With all the panic about peanut butter and food poisoning and what not and with the government stimulating the economy with a bunch of stupid pork why don't they regulate the "sell by" dates?

I opened a can of tuna today, the date on the top of the can said best by Sept. 10, 2010. Does this mean I need to let it age? Does this mean it is at its peak of freshness in another year and a half? How fresh can dead fish really be?

I have salad dressing that has a date of 2007 on it. It's still perfectly good but it says to use by this date.

I just finished a jar of peanut butter that was from 2006. It was unopened so I assumed it was fine which it was. No one got sick and I knew it had not been tainted by the current peanut poison going around.

I blame all of this on the guy who tampered with Tylenol decades ago. Tampering, what a nice word. Prior to the tampering I could open a bottle of salad dressing and smell it to see if I liked it or not. I could actually open a bottle of pills without feeling worse than I already did and eating lunch in the grocery store while shopping was much easier.

Random Thoughts Tuesday

2009-02-24T19:56:00.001-06:00

Musical Monday

Random Thoughts Tuesday

Wordless Wednesday

Thursday Thirteen

Foto Friday

When the hell does anyone actually blog?

Duh Dogs

2009-02-23T13:44:00.005-06:00

I've had it with LOLCats. I ranted about the fact that these cats can't spell or use proper grammar and I thought that would be the end of it. No, it's not. I see more and more of these stupid blogs each day and so I decided if I can't fight them I can join them.

With a twist.

Introducing DUH Dogs.

Dogs can't spell and they have no idea what grammar is but if they could and did they would use both correctly since dogs like to please everyone. Dogs also can't type and they don't need to since even they know that a picture is worth a thousand words, which they couldn't count.

This is Cinder. She has flour on her face. I don't remember why. This was taken during the late 80's when I was in college. I'm sure drinking was involved somehow.

Fool by Christopher Moore

2009-02-17T13:47:00.004-06:00

I picked up Fool by Christopher Moore last week. I knew he was working on another book but I had no idea when it might be coming out. I was pleased to see an ad for it from Borders in my in box. Usually I just junk these solicitations but I'm glad I took a look at this one. I dashed right out and picked up a copy of the book.

Fool is the story of King Lear told from the perspective of his faithful jester Pocket. I wish Chris Moore had been writing this stuff when I was in high school. I loved English but Shakespeare sucked. I would have paid a lot more attention had King Lear been this funny.

And it is funny. It might be just the placebo effect for me when I read Chris Moore. He could write the Winona phone book and it would be funny. Of course the Winona phone book is probably funny anyway but Chris Moore would make it extra funny I'm sure.

I started reading his books a little over two years ago. I had picked up A Dirty Job, based completely on the cover of the book, but had set it aside while I finished a remodel project that took all my time. In September of 2006 my father unexpectedly died and I needed something to distract me from the reality that was going on in my house. Dad left behind a mess and left me in charge of my mother and it was very stressful.

Reading A Dirty Job gave me a much needed break from reality. It was the first book that ever made me wet my pants, David Sedaris, Me Talk Pretty One Day, is the only other author to do so. After I finished A Dirty Job I went out and picked up all his other books. I have given them as gifts and recommended them to anyone who is looking for a great read. Sadly there are many people in my family who just don't get his writing. They are idiots and I am sorry I am related to them for this reason.

Cromely's World has done a great review of the book and that bastard actually got to meet Christopher Moore at a book signing. He even got his picture taken with him. I am so jealous. Cromely has reviewed many of Mr. Moore's works and he does a much better job than I could ever do so please check them out if you haven't been convinced yet to run out and buy all of Christopher Moore's books. You will not be sorry.

Barbie Picking Time is Here

2009-02-15T16:37:00.001-06:00

My daughter picked the Barbies. I'm sure they are pleased to be inside the house where it is nice and warm. I'm sure they are none too please to have spent the last six months outside in only their bikinis. Maybe next time they will dress appropriately.

Barbie Update

2009-02-11T16:59:00.001-06:00

We've had some more snow melt and as you can see the Barbies are almost ready to be picked.

Happy Birthday Baby Boy

2009-02-10T08:11:00.000-06:00

It's my baby boy's birthday today! That's him with his grandpa, his biggest fan.

Get off the road, he's 16. Actually he is a very good driver, he doesn't fit in the car very well, both his knees straddle the steering wheel and he can't seem to stoop low enough to see through the windshield but other than that he is a very confidant driver.

I can't believe my baby is already 16 years old. It seems like just yesterday he was making himself home at the neighbor lady's house who made a habit of feeding him animal crackers. He still walks into to strangers homes but only because he isn't sure where his friends live and he is directionally challenged. Thankfully his father is getting him a GPS for his birthday.

I'm not going to get all mushy here but I will say that no other baby had as round of a head as he did. I'm told this was because he was born via cesarean section but I'm pretty sure that doesn't explain why it looked like he had a bowling ball on his shoulders. He had no hair for the first two years of his life and thus the shape of his head was rather outstanding.

He's been a rather easy kid to raise. He's smarter than me so I haven't had to help him with homework and he is a natural geek so he likes to bury himself in computer manuals which has saved me numerous times. He can't put a dish in the dishwasher to save his life but he has learned that when he used my bathroom he better lift and then put down the seat when he is finished. I was never able to teach his father to do that so I am impressed with his ability to learn. And he is turning into a pretty good cook if you like macaroni and cheese made with Velveeta and bacon. Who doesn't, I know.

Happy birthday baby boy! May the next 16 years be even better.

Now go out and get a job!

The Barbie Harvest of 2009

2009-02-08T13:30:00.002-06:00

I know the winter is coming to a close soon. Not because of the recent Groundhog shadow viewing but because, like the tulips that will soon emerge from the dirt, the Barbies are poking their heads out from the frozen horizon.

My daughter planted these Barbies in November of last year. She didn't think they would emerge so soon but here they are in all their splendor.

It will still be months before we can harvest them from the ground. I tried to pull them but they are still firmly rooted in the ice that lies beneath the pristine snow. It's never good to harvest the Barbies too soon, we don't want to lose a leg or two.

Helpful Tips for when Aunt Flo Visits

2009-02-03T19:31:00.004-06:00

I ran across this blog today and it really made me laugh. Dr. Jarret Morrow's PMS Research Updates is a helpful blog giving all sorts of tips on how to alleviate or minimize the symptoms of PMS. Especially entertaining are these helpful tips:

Eat smaller, more frequent meals to reduce bloating and the sensation of fullness.

Eat complex carbohydrates such as whole grain breads, pasta, and cereals.
Cut back on sugar and fat in your diet.
Avoid salt for the last days before your period to reduce bloating and fluid retention.
Avoid caffeine intake to feel less tense and irritable.
Avoid alcoholic beverages. Consuming alcohol before your period can make you feel more depressed.
Choose foods rich in calcium.
Increase consumption of dietary fiber.

I don't know about you but when I'm PMSing I will drive to the 7-11 (and we don't even have them here anymore) at 2AM to get my big bag of peanut M&Ms. Usually when it is clear that Aunt Flo is going to be making a visit I am sure to have a magnum or box of any cheap wine at my disposal. Caffeine is the only way I can start the day, especially after all the booze I consumed the night before. Caffeine also makes me pee so I know it is helping to get rid of the bloat. As for the rest if I was able to summon any of my willpower, which I have very little of in the first place, I wouldn't use it to avoid sugar, simple carbs or trying to eat frequent meals (this one isn't a challenge at all). I use my willpower to prevent running over all the idiots on the road who refuse to use their blinkers. I use my willpower to not tell everyone off who looks at me funny. And they all look at me funny because I can't be bothered to dress properly when my clothes don't fit once a month and I have acne worse than my 15 year old son. Acne and gray hair and wrinkles is God's way of getting back at me for skipping out on church for the last 25 years.

What I find most amusing about this helpful website is that it is written by a man. Obviously the only reason this guy is blogging about helpful PMS alleviating tips is because his wife or girlfriend has ripped him a new one every month and he is tired of it. I appreciate his attempt to solve the riddle of menstruation but taking advice from a guy on how to handle the symptoms of PMS better is like taking advice from a guy on how to handle the symptoms of PMS. It's not a typo, I just couldn't think of anything more ridiculous than a guy seriously telling women how to handle their PMS.

I give up.

2009-01-30T15:07:00.003-06:00

I have lost the battle of the shovel.

I shouldn't even be complaining about this since half the country to the south and east of me got dumped on in the last few days but I have thrown in the towel. Or shovel.

I quit. I'm done shoveling for the season. We have had a few nuisance snow falls in the last week. Not a huge amount, not even an inch but enough that should be shoveled. The problem is it has snowed in the middle of the day and people have walked through it trampling it down making it next to impossible to get under with a shovel. I just don't care anymore.

I don't even care to nag my son to take care of it. Winter has won, I concede.

We have not been dumped on like everyone else lately. We haven't had an ice storm either. But unlike the people in Ohio and Washington DC our snow is not going to melt by next week. I still have November 2008 snow. It's not going anywhere for at least two more months. And March is our snowiest month. We usually get a foot or so in one storm on around the 3rd or 4th of March. Just watch.

I'm sick of the cold and I am sick of the snow. I am tired of the bottom of my pants always being wet. I'm tired of cleaning up the snow that comes in the house when people take off their boots, snowpants, gloves, hats, mittens and scarves which are all covered in snow because the novelty has not worn off for them yet.

I want spring. Now!

A World of Progress

2009-01-25T20:11:00.001-06:00

I have been asked to contribute to a great new ezine at A World of Progress. I will be contributing to the TeamZine by posting articles from the right, coincidentally called The Right. Please go and check out the zine.

Pet Peeve of the Week

2009-01-22T23:25:00.003-06:00

For some reason, I have run across this a lot of times this past week.

I can't stand it when people over the age of 6 do not know how to spell a lot.

It's two words! Not one. The word is not alot or allot. It is TWO WORDS. A Lot, as in a bunch of stuff or many things. Short for a lot of X. X being cars or penguins or toe nails.

If it were one word it would be pronounced completely differently. How is it that people mess this one up?

Nothing says stupid like using alot instead of a lot.

The Duh Award Goes to Me

2009-01-21T20:47:00.004-06:00

From the files of Why Didn't I Think of This Before:

I am a typical mom. Typical for my generation where if you want something of your children you spend a great deal of time nagging and then yelling. Our house has three levels. Basement, where son's room is, main floor, where the kitchen is, and the second floor, where my office is. When the kids are home I am usually in the kitchen preparing them wonderfully comforting meals that will forever ruin their ability to be served a home cooked meal by their spouse or significant others. At least that is my plan.

Usually while cooking I am also nagging them to do their chores. I start out by asking very politely and eventually, when I am ignored long enough, I switch over to my mother and start to yell. Either up stairs or downstairs depending on the location of the kids. When I have had enough I go to them and stand their, with hands on my hips, and stare at them until they move.

I hate nagging and I have a bad knee so going up and down the stairs more than 48 times a day starts to annoy me.

Tonight it dawned on me that we have all this technology that I could have been using to lessen the wear and tear on my knee.

Text messaging and instant messaging.

Why the hell didn't I figure this out before? I have texted the older one for years with regard to pick up times and reminders of dental appointments. Why has this been so hard to figure out?

Because I am one of those people who does not understand why kids will take the time to type out a 140 character message when they are sitting right next to the person they are trying to communicate with. I don't understand why they don't just talk to them.

Maybe it is because of all this technology that our kids, MY kids, are able to tune us out without the use of LSD or other drugs that we used to tune our parents out. Our kids are consummate multi-taskers. They watch TV, listen to their iPod, play video games and do their homework all while talking on the phone and texting someone else. It's no wonder they can't hear me screaming at the top of my lungs.

Tonight instead of yelling I grabbed my phone and texted my son to take out the garbage. I actually got his attention and he texted me back that he would...right away. After about 30 seconds I logged onto my gmail account and IM'ed him. Hah! He is the one who convinced me to get a gmail account and because he sends me, in email, all of the links to things he wants for his birthday or Christmas I have his email and can see when he is online. I IM'ed several times in a very short time span. It annoyed him so much he came upstairs and took out the garbage.

While he was up out of his man cave he asked if there was anything else I wanted him to do. I told him there was nothing else to do right now.

I waited until he was settled and then texted him that he needed to clean out the cat pan.

Obama Mug Shots

2009-01-19T21:30:00.002-06:00

(Click to make bigger)

These are actual mug shots. There seems to be a pattern....

Cool High Nerd

2009-01-19T12:02:00.001-06:00

I took the nerd test and scored as a Cool High Nerd. I'm not sure this is good or bad. I totally missed all the questions about Star Wars and Battle Star Galactic.

Blog roll update

2009-01-18T22:17:00.001-06:00

If you'd like to be on my blogroll, and are willing to list me on yours, please leave your URL in the comment section.

Miracle Noodles

2009-01-18T14:10:00.003-06:00

Have you seen this stuff? Noodles that have no calories. They are made out of soluble fiber so your body doesn't absorb them. I can't wait to try these! I try to keep carbs down to a minimum but it's not easy and there are times during the month where I have to have them. They don't look like they have a whole lot of taste but throw some veggies and chicken in with them and I bet they are pretty good. I'm going to order some and see how they taste. I guess you don't even need to cook them, which admittedly is a bit odd. I hope these aren't like those potato chips that were fried in Olestra years ago.

If you scroll down you'll find a link to the right.

I have learned...

2009-01-16T13:49:00.000-06:00

That more people comment when the post is short.

Jumper Cables

2009-01-15T18:58:00.002-06:00

My car wouldn't start today. It's a relatively new Chevy Malibu. The car hates me. It has since I drove it off the lot.

Within three days of owning the vehicle someone pulled a Starsky and Hutch move over the hood of my car. I have several minor depressions running over the hood in a diagonal direction. I have asked who caused these depressions but no one seems to know. Starsky and Hutch rolls are not covered on my unsurance.

About a month after the Starsky and Hutch incident a tree decided it would rather lay on the hatchback than to stand tall. It was a bit windy that day and I had just gotten my mother out of the car. If my sister in law had not parked in the mom spot or if I had arrived ten minutes later I wouldn't have a huge dent on the back of my car. My unsurance deductible was interestingly the same amount that the it would cost to repair my car.

When my car decided not to start today I wasn't all that surprised. Luckily I have a spare truck. My truck is 13 years old. It is also my baby and it loves me. My truck has protected me and my son in two very bad accidents. Every piece of the body has been replaced or repaired except for the roof. I bought the truck with 90,000 miles already on it and have put another 130,000 on it myself. It still purrs and can haul ass up any hill. I love my truck.

I went outside (in -20 F temps I might add) to start my baby. It fired up on the first try. I drove it to my car, hooked up the jumper cables and hopped in the truck to keep warm. After about five minutes I tried to start the car. Nothing. I got back into the truck, gave it some gas and waited for another few minutes. Nothing. I got out, juggled the connections on both vehicles and got back in the truck to wait.

I was attracting attention. Several of the neighborhood men came out to lend me a hand. They jiggled the connection, asked me to give the truck some gas, fiddled again with the connections and then grabbed their chins and thought about it. Apparently they decided that more jiggling of the cables was necessary because that is what they both did.

I was born and raised in Minnesota. Cold like this happens usually once a year though apparently it has been five years since it has been this cold. I remember it being much colder when I was kid. I also remember walking to school in this weather, up hill, both ways, with little more than a windbreaker on. Today's kids are wusses. Anyway, since I have spent most of my formative years in this godforsaken ice box I know how to use jumper cables.

I'm pretty sure these guys knew I knew how to use jumper cables. Now don't get me wrong I was happy to have the assistance and the company but I could have told them that it wasn't working without continuing to jiggle the damn connections. What good does it do after the third of fourth jiggle? Nothing.

No one knew why my car wasn't turning over. Well, I did, it was too fucking cold and the car hates me. The guys left after removing the cables for me which I thanked them profusely for doing. They wished me luck and since it was obvious I didn't need a ride they went back to their homes.

I bagged the whole thing and went inside myself. The temperature is supposed to reach 20 degrees on Saturday and 30 on Monday. By then my car will have had enough. If the damn thing would start I would put it into the garage where it could be warmer. Since my truck is starting just fine it got the whole garage to itself. That will teach my Malibu.

How Cold Is It?

2009-01-13T18:24:00.002-06:00

I was talking to a bloggy friend the other day and I was telling her how cold it was here in the upper Midwest town of St. Paul. I was searching for a metaphor other than "a witch's tit" because I really don't know how cold that is but I'm pretty sure it is colder than that here.

Today it was -15 degrees Fahrenheit without the windchill. It is supposed to be -20 tonight.

So how cold is it?

"It's so cold..."

or

"It's as cold as a ..."

Help me fill in the blanks

It's like new shoes!

2009-01-12T22:30:00.003-06:00

What do you think of this new banner? Pretty cool eh? eyespi20.com made it for me. I love it. I feel like I just got new shoes. She did a wonderful job on this and since I am not the least bit creative she even came up with the design for me. I offered no input and couldn't be happier with the results.

Grandy was the one who turned me on to this wonderful graphics artist so be sure to check out her blog which is really hard to spell late at night and I'm not even going to try. Just click on the link.

Both of these gals are going to get their widgets on my blog as soon as I can figure out how to do it.

I'm playing around...testing

2009-01-12T20:10:00.000-06:00

I'm testing a lot of things here so please ignore.

I have to pee

2009-01-12T13:30:00.003-06:00

I'm having some plumbing problems today. Not me, but my house. My house is falling apart on my lately and I'm getting a bit tired of it. This morning when my son woke me at 1:13 am to tell me that the basement was flooded I knew it was going to be on of those days.

I surveyed the situation and told him not to use the water of flush, I would call someone in the morning.

When I checked on it this morning all the water that was on the floor last night was gone. I wrongly assumed (hoped) the problem had taken care of itself. After all the house owes me. It's been crapping out on me left right and center so I figured a little good karma was coming my way.

I went back upstairs and took a shower. Big mistake.

The mess was back with a vengeance. I tried to plunge it out but it wasn't helping. I had to call a plumber. I hate calling "people" but I knew there was nothing I could do about this one.

I actually considered cracking a beer at 7:40 am. It was either that or crawl back into bed until someone arrived to take care of the whole thing. I just didn't want to deal with this crap anymore. I didn't have the beer and I didn't go back to bed but I sure wanted to.

Here is what I want to know. Why is it that when I can't use water, and I especially can't flush, why do I need to go to the bathroom like every ten minutes? Have I developed a prostate problem? Have developed a prostate? I never have to pee this often and now it's all I can think about.

I thought about going to a neighbors house but none of the ones I know are home during the day. I thought about going to the gas station but those bathrooms are really gross. I actually considered doing what my dog does and just heading outside. If there wasn't a foot of snow on the ground I might have actually done it.

This has really messed up my morning. I am behind at least three Diet Cokes. Coffee makes me want to pee more. Not only do I have to pee like a...a.. girl on a road trip (best I could come up with) but I'm tired and cranky for not getting my caffeine.

This has got to get better soon.

The PediPaws

2009-01-11T21:30:00.003-06:00

This is not a paid advertisement or review.

Today I picked up the PediPaws. I'm sure most have you have seen this advertised on late night tv. Its basically an emery board for dogs. The contraption is not unlike the tool nail salons use to smooth out acrylic nails on people. Sometimes it can hurt, but only because they are filing down the top part of your nail. This is meant to shave down the longest part not the top . However I thought that this would be a better tool to use on Stanley than cutting his nails. I tried this once but cut the quick and he has never let me forget it. Being a basset with oddly positioned feet his nails grow rather long and also due to the way his paws are positioned on his body his nails don't get worn down when he runs around. The PediPaws seemed like a humane answer to this problem.

Stanleys do not like the PediPaws.

In the commercial there is a very docile dog, probably drugged up, getting his nails filed down. He's loving the attention and shows no sign of pain or anxiety.

Stanley was fine with the Pedipaw for the first thirty seconds. I don't think he was in any pain, in fact I know he wasn't. He didn't like the noise it made and probably didn't like the vibration. Honestly the thing looks like a big vibrator but Stanley wouldn't know that. And if he did he'd probably be happy to see me take it out of the box.

I followed the directions and bribed him with some smoked turkey and bacon. Everytime I put his toe nail in the little opening and did a little filing I'd take it off and give him a bite of the treat. Stanley would rather starve than have his nails done. We will have to try again tomorrow. If it doesn't work I'm going to have to make an appointment with the groomers and last time he was there he ended up with a big old doggie black eye.

The Kids Go Back To School Tomorrow

2009-01-04T10:17:00.002-06:00

I'm so excited that the kids are going back to school tomorrow. I'm not ready. I have mounds of laundry to do and because of my Christmas Day crap out of all my appliances I have to spend today at the laundromat...again. But that's ok. The kids and I will be back on a regular schedule soon enough.

I like spending time with my kids but not during the winter so much. We have been cooped up in the house for two weeks and frankly we are getting on each other's nerves. We didn't do anything this winter break. Nothing, no movies, no outings, nothing. They had friends over the whole time which was great for them and their friends parents but I want my house back.

Tomorrow, after they go to school, I plan on cleaning the house from top to bottom. We will all three of us eat at the same time at the same place.

When life hands you lemmons

2008-12-28T13:21:00.002-06:00

I've had a pretty rough go of it lately. Nothing major, no health issues and my kids are fine. I've just been hit by my house and some of my relationships. Pretty hard. I need to do some reorganizing with a lot of things in my life. If you want to catch up you can read about it here at Redhead Ranting. I'm not depressed and I know things will get better, that this is one of the ebbs rather than flows. This too shall pass.

I opened my Sunday paper today and there was a story of a local woman blogger, Emilie Lemmon, I did not know her though she is from my neighborhood. She was diagnosed with cancer while pregnant with her second child. Emilie died on the 23rd of December leaving behind her husband and two young boys. My heart breaks for all of them. You can read her story at Lemmondrops.

I would love to see how it works in his head

2008-12-22T14:03:00.003-06:00

I parked my car out front today. Usually I park in the garage but I knew I'd have to drive the kids all over the place and since it's sunny out I thought it'd be nice if the car was warmed up on the inside. My dog sleeps on the guest bed in my office and it looks out over the street. If I am working he is on the bed. When I leave the office he follows me to where ever I am going and then jumps back on the bed when I return to the office. When he jumps on the bed he gets a look out at the street and notices my car so he runs downstairs and waits by the door for....me?

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all

2008-12-20T22:24:00.001-06:00

I'd like to post but I'm so busy with the impending holiday that I don't know if I will be able to.

I will return after Christmas.

I wish you all a happy holiday to you and yours.

Jen

Food for thought

2008-12-17T10:11:00.002-06:00

What the hell happens to our eyebrows as we age? Back in the 80's I not only had big hair but I had eyebrows that would have put Brooke Shields to shame. I plucked them and kept them orderly but they were thick. I haven't needed to pluck my eyebrows in ages. I need to comb them and cut them but I don't need to pluck them anymore.

The toilet was backed up this morning. If there is anything I hate more than cleaning out the cat pan it is plunging a stopped up toilet. The five year old still doesn't know how much toilet paper to use and occasionally stuffs things down there that don't belong. Not like the boy who flushed down five $20 bills once but still. We have two bathroom but the other one is in my son's domain and I am afraid to go in there. I tried to continue to flush the toilet in hopes that it would right itself but no luck. I headed down to the laundry room to get the plunger. When I returned it was all better. The wadded up paper, at least half a roll, was all gone and there was fresh water in there at the normal level. I flushed again just to make sure it wasn't stuck in the pipe and it was good. Is there a plunger fairy, is that how my good karma comes back to me? Instead of winning the lottery is this how I get paid for helping old ladies cross the street? Probably.

Dana over at Life is Good asked for our addictions and I said I would play along.

I am not addicted to any pills...yet. I was given a bottle of Valium and Oxycontin when I had my surgery a month ago, you can read about it here if you like, I didn't need any drugs but kept them just in case. The last few weeks have been pretty stressful and I keep thinking I should start taking the Valium. I think I'd like to be addicted to Valium since it has been around so long and so many middle aged women have taken it religiously that there is probably no unknown side effect.

I'm addicted to yanking my ex husbands chain. I can't do anything outright to vent my frustration with him but I can play little mind games with him. He isn't smart enough to play along and he doesn't understand words that have more than two syllables so it's pretty easy and fairly harmless.

I hate winter

2008-12-15T13:31:00.006-06:00

I posted this last year when I couldn't stand the cold anymore. It was probably February or March. It's only December and already it's too damn cold. I don't know why I live here. Yeah I know I have family and all that but really what do they do for me? Not enough to make it worth living in this tundra. I know I have said this too but it bears repeating. If I didn't have to deal with the heat and humidity all summer long this wouldn't be so bad. If I didn't have to run an air conditioner for the majority of the summer I wouldn't feel so bad about my heating bills.

Duh

2008-12-11T19:33:00.003-06:00

Elephants Live Longer in Wild Than Zoo.

Really? This is a surprise? Who is paying for these studies? I'd like to know because I think it would be great to know if a frazzled divorced mother of two is happier in Cancun without her children than she is being stuck in Minnesota for another two week holiday school break with her kids. I'd be happy to volunteer.

Comcast

2008-12-10T16:39:00.002-06:00

My cable company just called me. I don't owe them any money right now so I answered the call. On the other end was a human who spoke English as a first language.

Comcast Guy: Hello Ms. Jen,

Me: Hello

Comcast Guy: Your cable box isn't working.

Me: Really? Huh.

Comcast Guy: We've been trying to ping it and we can't find it.

Me: It's right here.

Comcast Guy: Oh, now I see it.

Silence because I am really confused by this conversation. I'm also wondering if my son has hacked into something causing this problem.

Me: Ok. Am I supposed to do anything?

Comcast Guy: No it's working now. Have a nice day.

Me: You too.
Click

What the hell was that all about? Since when does any service provider call a customer when the equipment isn't working. Doesn't it ruin their fun if we don't get to sit on hold for 35 minutes just to talk to someone who has no fucking idea what we are talking about? Is business so slow that they are actually being proactive?

Oh Christmas Tree Oh Christmas Tree

2008-12-09T11:22:00.003-06:00

It snowed last night. Not enough to close the schools or declare a snow emergency but enough to bring daughter outside with her Barbies. She was planting them in the snow and singing for them. Obviously she can't remember the lyrics to Oh Christmas Tree.

Oh Christmas tree oh Christmas tree...

You have a big Watusi

She changed it up a bit next:

Oh Christmas Bean oh Christmas Bean...

Your farts smell just like Stanley's

I probably shouldn't send her out caroling anytime soon.

Dammit!

2008-12-07T17:45:00.002-06:00

Apparently yesterday was St. Nicholas Day, the holiday where children leave their shoes out and St. Nicholas leaves candy in them. I know this because when my daughter returned home from her weekend at dad's house she immediately went out on the porch and looked at her shoes. She had left her Crocs out for St. Nicholas. She didn't bother to tell me she was doing this, I just assumed that she had left her shoes on the porch. Yes, it's cold and she shouldn't be wearing Crocs this time of year but they don't require tying so she wears them around the house.

She was disappointed for a few minutes but forgot about it soon enough. It has not been an issue. I think she still believes in Santa even though the neighbor girl has told her that Santa is not real. I know one little girl who should get a lump of coal in her stocking this year. Daughter still believes in fairies and she is looking forward to the tooth fairy.

I wish she had remiinded me about St. Nicholas Day, I would have thrown some purse candy in them. Now I am going to have to check her teeth each night before bed.

Some things about me.

2008-12-07T08:13:00.000-06:00

1. I don't like radishes.
2. I am a Capricorn
3. I have lived in 5 different states. MN, WI, TX, CO and WA
4. I have at least 300 books in my house right now. Most I have read.
5. I am afraid of clowns.
6. I have this weird thing about knives in the sink. I imagine a burglar breaking in the back door and grabbing a knife out of the sink. It's just as easy to grab a clean knife out of the block but I can't leave a knife in the sink.
7. I have a cat but I am not a cat person. This works out well since the cat is not a people person.
8. I am one of those people who is always cold.
9. I hate wearing shoes but I love to buy them.
10.I make the best Bloody Mary you have ever tasted.

What a difference 30 years make

2008-12-06T15:12:00.004-06:00

I was going through my photos that I have stored on the computer. My files are a mess and I need to organize them... badly.

Anyway I ran across this picture of the cabin from 1973. My parents bought the place in 1970 and it was pink when they got it. The painted it white as soon as possible. That's my mom with her back to the cabin. My aunt on the left and my grandmother with her back to the camera. I'm not sure who the person is behind my aunt. That's our dog Snoopy.

The cabin when through many changes but eventually ended up looking like this.
That's my dear friend from Seattle and I'm not sure who the child is. We had many friends come and visit and I am sure it is one of theirs.

Turkey again?

2008-12-04T20:07:00.003-06:00

I'm pretty sure I can not sell turkey for one more meal to my kids. They have had turkey sandwiches ever day for lunch this week, turkey hot dish, turkey meatloaf, turkey surprise (which really wasn't a surprise at all) and turkey wraps for dinner, turkey egg bake and turkey biscuit breakfast sandwiches for breakfast. I still have a fair amount of turkey left but it's mostly dark meat and it's looking like the Bassador is going to get lucky.

Snow Shoveling for Beginners

2008-12-04T03:35:00.000-06:00

It has been snowing here in the Midwest lately. We haven't had a dumping yet but have gotten a couple inches of the fluffy white stuff. Shoveling has been required since it has been rather cold. So far it hasn't required the use of the snow blower, just a quick pass with the shovel.

We have new neighbors across the street. They moved in last summer and are from Seattle. They are very nice neighbors who have decorated their house with lights even though they refuse to remove the pumpkins from Halloween. This afternoon one of them came outside to shovel the inch of snow that accumulated overnight. They have the biggest snow shovel I have ever seen. It is beautiful. The handle is long and curved at just the right place with a handle on it for easier lifting of heavy wet snow. The bucket is a deep black with at least five inch sides so the snow doesn't spill over the edges. It has cup holders and a DVD player in the back.

I'm impressed with their tools but the technique needs some finesse. First of all they actually wear mittens when snow shoveling. The last time it snowed I sent the boy out to shovel and had to remind him to put on pants before he went out. They start out by shoveling the long way down the path and then going cross ways with the other half. This leaves a bunch of lines where they didn't double over the first path. There is little trick to it but you have to double back if you want a clean sidewalk. I'm sure as we get more snow and they have more practice it will become an easier task. Of course I think it might help if my daughter didn't go into their yard when they finished shoveling and make snow angels all over the place.

Christmas Wish List

2008-12-03T13:16:00.004-06:00

My daughter is nearly six and she has informed me that she wants an Elmo doll. Elmo tells jokes and sings and does all sorts of annoying things. I do not want to get this doll because she will likely play with it for a very short time and if it is like the Elmo dolls of the past I will have to search many stores real and online if I want to get one.

"Aren't Elmo dolls baby toys?" I asked.

"Yes" she said.

"I thought you didn't like baby toys anymore?"

"I don't but this one is special"

"Hmm"

She can't write yet but she managed to make her Christmas list by going through the Sunday ads and cutting out the pictures of toys she wants and pasting them on a sheet of construction paper. In addition to Elmo she wants a Godiva teddy bear, a plastic tea party set, an eco friendly moose, (it looks more like a dog toy to me and she may have been thinking of Stanley) a High School Musical Bear and interestingly a faux-fur trapper hat, the kind that duck hunters or Elmer Fudd wear.

I'm not sure if this was the butter Santa up toy, you know the one. The toy we all ask for that is practical and useful. Usually socks, underwear or other clothing garments. We don't really want it but we figure Santa will get us what we want if we demonstrate to him that we have common sense and aren't all about frivolity. I'm pretty sure I asked for a dress for church when I was a kid. I hated dresses as much as I hated church so I thought it was an extra good butter up present.

I'm not sure if Santa is going to bring the Elmo doll. My daughter has the attention span of a gnat and its still several weeks before the big day. She will probably change her mind many times before Christmas. I know she isn't getting the faux-fur trapper hat since it costs $49.50. Maybe another knit scarf?

It snowed last night!

2008-12-03T12:48:00.002-06:00

It snowed last night! I love to watch the snow fall in December. Many of my neighbors have put up their Christmas lights and it is so pretty to look at the lights with the snow falling gently. I love this time of year, right before the holidays.

I will be complaining about the snow in about six weeks but right now I am really enjoying it.

Street Cleaning

2008-11-14T13:49:00.002-06:00

The great City of Saint Paul is finally cleaning the streets! Our autumn was late this year. It probably had something to do with our late spring and late summer. The leaves have only recently fallen off the trees but they usually are off by mid to late October.

This has messed everyone up since we are already getting snow and it is most difficult to rake when the leaves are under inches of the white cold stuff. Most of my neighbors have not gotten their leaves raked. Actually, many have but there were many who hadn't and the wind redistributed the wealth around the neighborhood so everyone had to start over. Some chose not to and others just raked them in the streets. A big no-no here. I have not been able to park in front of my house for the last week because of the large piles of wet leaves in the street.

The street cleaners have just finished my block and I can now go and park in front of my house again.

What is going on in our schools?

2008-11-03T19:05:00.003-06:00

I received an invitation to my cousin's daughter's school play. They are performing Fame. Her daughter has the role of Hillary and this is how her mother describes her role:

She has the role of Hillary, the uber-rich prima donna ballerina that sleeps with the gang-banger, gets pregnant and has an abortion. Oye. Luckily, they've modified the original movie script to be middle school appropriate.

How does one modify the script to be middle school appropriate?

Vote Tomorrow

2008-11-03T18:55:00.001-06:00

Vote!

70 degrees today!

2008-11-03T18:50:00.002-06:00

It's November 3rd and it was 70 degrees today! It is supposed to be in the upper 60's for the rest of the week. This is truly bizarre. I can't recall ever being able to vote without a coat and scraping off the car. We have had snow once already, and it sucked.

If A Tree Falls...

2008-09-07T10:33:00.003-05:00

As I was getting dressed today I had the TV on in my room. I do not have the cable hooked up in the bedroom and the rabbit ears only pull in one channel, NBC. This is usually no problem since I can watch the news or the Today Show and that is all I want to watch while getting ready for work. Today is Sunday and the programming at the time was televised church. Specifically Mac Hammond's The Winner's Way. The title sounds more like an infomercial which I guess means more people are willing to tune into an hour of hard core selling rather than worship.

I don't go to church. But I walk by many older churches on my daily walk and always wonder if the inside is as inviting as the outside. The idea of gathering with a group of people for good thoughts and deeds, not to mention the community aspect of the church is still really appealing to me. Unfortunately it never turns out that way.

As I am watching the singers praise Jesus with three huge television screens behind them with the lyrics to the song so the audience can sing along, I wonder if watching church counts in the eyes of God, or Jesus, as actually going to church? And does it count if while watching church on TV you make snarky remarks to yourself about the people who are attending the televised church?

I'm Back!

2008-09-06T09:22:00.002-05:00

Well since the experiment of working outside the home and for someone else has ended I am happy to announce that I am back and ready to start posting here again. I missed this so much but just didn't have the time or the energy to keep it going while I was working for the man and being oppressed and all that.

Wednesday I was driving home from visiting my mother and spotted the Weiner Mobile! I have never seen it outside of a fair or car show or some sort of event. I suspect it had something to do with the Republican National Convention but I could be wrong.

I don't recommend taking pictures with your phone while driving especially if you are not sure how to navigate to the camera part of the phone. I am sure I made a few other drivers very nervous.

Privacy Policy

2008-04-08T20:44:00.000-05:00

I have to have a privacy policy to run adsense. They don't really go into great detail about what it should say but this is what I have gathered it needs to include.

I use Google and

Google, as a third party vendor, uses cookies to serve ads on your site.
Google's use of the DART cookie enables it to serve ads to your users based on their visit to your sites and other sites on the Internet.
Users may opt out of the use of the DART cookie by visiting the Google ad and content network privacy policy.

We use third-party advertising companies to serve ads when you visit our website. These companies may use information (not including your name, address, email address, or telephone number) about your visits to this and other websites in order to provide advertisements about goods and services of interest to you.

I think they kinda say the same thing but I want to cover all bases as I do not want to piss off the Google Gods.

Great Idea

2008-04-03T15:26:00.002-05:00

Yesterday I was snacking on the Pepperidge Farm Goldfish crackers. I love these things. My grandmother used to give them to my brother and me when we visited her on spring break. They are a fairly good snack for kids, easy to hold, cute shape, not candy. As I'm eating them I'm thinking to myself how good it would be if they had peanut butter inside them. Good peanut butter like Jiff, not the dried out kind that is usually in cracker. That is my idea, I should submit it to Pepperidge Farm but I probably wont get around to it.

Kids say the darndest things

2008-04-01T15:48:00.000-05:00

My son is on spring break. He is not in some sunny happy place he is in his cave playing video games and texting his girlfriend who is not on break. He could care less that it is snowing since he never goes outside. He knows I wont make him shovel since I am refusing to acknowledge the snow.

He has a friend over tonight. His friend is vertically challenged. My son is 6'3. My daughter, upon seeing his friend, asked me in her OUTSIDE voice if his friend was a teenager because he looked like a little kid.

I rushed her out of earshot and tried to explain that we don't point out people's differences and we certainly don't do it in our OUTSIDE voices. My daughter has the attention span of a gnat and had already moved on to a new topic: She poked her finger into my left breast and asked if mine were like the dogs.

Customers

2008-03-31T15:37:00.003-05:00

I had to call the IRS today. I was on hold for some time. I was not bothered by this as it is tax time and I hope they are busy. Every few minutes the recording said something like:

"Thank you for holding, all our representatives are helping other customers and will get to you as soon as possible." Or something like that.

I don't mind being put on hold and it was a nice enough recording but when did tax payers become "customers"?

Washing The Cat

2008-03-28T12:53:00.001-05:00

Does anyone know how to wash a cat? My daughter just dumped a whole container of bubbles on her.

I'm getting out of the shower and not paying attention to what the daughter is saying. I hear something like:

"Mom, the cat has spiky hair!"

"That's nice." I say calmly since it hasn't sunk in yet.

"Mom, look at the cat all her hair is spiked." Daughter shouts

I figured the child has brushed the cat backwards and her hair is sticking up with static electricity. The cat usually runs from said child because she knows better than to hang around and possibly be forced to dress up like the dogs.

I finally look at the cat and lo and behold her hair is spiked! She is also foamy. Everywhere. The cat is drenched in bubbles, you know the kind with the wand that you blow? I grab a towel and wet it down to try and wipe it off. The cat doesn't seem to mind this too much but would probably rather have her tail ripped off than this. I am not helping the situation, rubbing her with a wet cloth only lathers her up more. I consider for a very brief moment holding her under the faucet in the sink or spraying her down in the tub. I have visions of Bill The Cat tearing through the house and scratching me to shreds so I dry her off as best I can and make sure the bubbles are non toxic.

Computer crash

2008-03-20T11:20:00.004-05:00

My computer crashed. Please go to Redhead Ranting to read about my experience with Hewlett Packard customer service.

I will not likely be able to post here until this is resolved. Check on redheadranting for updates. Thank you and if you have any experience with crashed computers and customer servicce please let me know. Jen

Snow, snow and more snow

2008-03-19T12:15:00.003-05:00

Yesterday morning I opened the door to pick up the paper. It was buried under five inches of snow. I was going to take a picture of it and post it but I rejected that idea because everyone has seen it before and must be as sick of it as I am and if I acknowledge it it might stay longer than should. Which was the end of last month as far as I am concerned.

I refuse to shovel or even nag my son to shovel. I have decided that I will not partake in this snowfall at all. This is too bad because this snowfall was perfect snowman snow, sticky and wet. Our neighbors built an impressive snowman but it had already fallen apart by the early afternoon. This snow is not cooperating so why should I?

I just really really really want it to go away. Can someone please make it go away?

The Minnows Are Still There

2008-03-12T10:03:00.003-05:00

The minnows remain outside. Temp dog continues to bark at them.

Minnows and The Temp Dog

2008-03-11T19:34:00.002-05:00

My neighbor set a pickle jar of live minnows out in the snow in his backyard. We have a chain link fence between the two yards. I thought this was a bit odd, they have been out there all afternoon swimming around, but he goes fishing a lot so I figured either he had just been ice fishing or was going to go ice fishing. He still has his Christmas tree and wreath out there.

I let the dogs out and temp dog immediately spots the pickle jar of minnows and starts barking and baying. She is not the baying kind of dog but the first dog is so I guess she learned how to do it like him. My brother used to bay along with the basset hound when ever ambulances went by so this isn't such an odd thing as far as I am concerned. The first dog barked a few times because the temp dog was barking and then lost interest as there was no real threat or another dog. He is the more verbal of the two. Temp dog barked until I dragged her furry little ass back in the house and then she looked at me as if to say "What? I was doing my job protecting everyone from those little monster things."

Two Stupid Dogs

2008-03-09T17:21:00.002-05:00

I may have mentioned that I have two stupid dogs. The first dog is by far the more intelligently challenged, the temp dog just does what ever the first one does except when it is time to come inside. The first dog will sit outside no matter how nicely I tell him to come in. I have left him out there but the minute I go upstairs to work he starts to bark the "I want to come in now" bark. The temp dog comes right inside. I have tried many things to get him to come in on the first round. I shake the dog biscuit container and he does come running but then I am forced to give him a treat. I have to give the temp dog a treat as well because all things must be equal. This giving of treats does not sit well with me. He has done nothing to earn the treat except come in the house. Treats should be reserved for shaking, sitting, and rolling over. I have only managed to teach them both how to sit. No, giving a treat for simply walking in the house is not good and it tells me the dog has me trained better than I have him trained. In my frustration today of trying to get him to come in I started counting to three like I have for my children. Amazingly and quiet surprisingly he started moving when I got to 2. Each time after that I would count again. It worked each time. Most of the time I didn't get past 1 before he started to move. Amazing.

Sump Pump is in and Working

2008-03-07T14:24:00.003-06:00

The sump pump project has been completed! Ex just finished the project and showed it to me. He tested it and there is water all over my basement floor, I assume from trying to fill the tank to test the pump. I didn't ask because I know better. The tank holds 30 gallons of water. I moved into the house last June and the pump only turned on in late September when we had torrential rains. A regular thunderstorm did not produce enough water to necessitate the pump. Ex is still grousing that I didn't buy the manly man version of the sump pump. The one with 10 horse power and a battery back up. About $400.00. Since I have lived here the power has only gone out once and that was last Sunday because a transformer shorted.

"I'm not too worried about the power going out. If it does I'll deal with it." I said

"Well, if the power does go out while it's raining just use the wet/dry vac." He says.

Me thinking "huh?"

Next week he starts on the electrical work. I already know he is going to suggest I get a gas powered generator.

Day 2 of the project.

2008-03-05T16:47:00.002-06:00

Today we went to Home Depot for pea gravel and concrete. Eight bags, 60lbs each of pea gravel and three bags, 80 lbs each of concrete. We are both going to be sore tomorrow! Yes I lugged half the bags from the van to the house. He did carry the heavier ones and carried them down the stairs.

The trench was filled and cement was poured. After he left for the day I had to go down and put my hand print in the cement. When my son arrived home from school I told him we have wet concrete. He said "Mom, it's no fun if you tell me to put my hand in it." When his girlfriend came over she put her hand in it so at least someone has a sense of fun. The ex won't like it but it's not his basement so I don't care. If he had taken advantage or wet concrete more often we might still be married.

Tomorrow we are looking at light fixtures. Couldn't find any that looked good today so of to another big box store.

I'm pleased to say this is going much better than I expected.

The project begins

2008-03-04T21:20:00.002-06:00

My ex husband started working on my sump pump today. That sounds kind of sexual but no he really is working on my sump pump. I tagged along with him to go to the big box hardware store to get supplies. I used to do this when we married and we always had a good time. I had forgotten that when he is getting supplies, and maybe any man for that matter, he enters a black hole and slips through some time/space continuum. Had I been sent on the errand I would have completed it within an hour. It took him half the day.

Now this is not entirely his fault. We had to discuss the pipes and fittings that were to be used. I should be pleased that he wanted my opinion but it kind of scares me too. I don't know anything about what he is doing. He arrived this morning and started to dig a trench in my basement. It started out as a big hole but then turned into a trench for seepage or something like that. We looked at big plastic buckets for what seemed like an eternity. Then he had to consult someone in a vest to make sure he agreed too. Once all of us were in agreement we headed out still needing concrete and pea gravel. Ex at this point was getting hungry and did not want to shop anymore. My ex is a big contractor type guy who needs to eat every few hours or he turns into an ogre. He does sort of remind me of Shrek. So we went out to eat instead of walking ten feet and picking up the pea gravel. Oh well.

It's always better when someone else wants it

2008-02-25T11:01:00.003-06:00

I take great pleasure in experimenting with my dogs and what they will eat. When we had just the one dog he was very picky. He would eat his dog food, the cat food and some table scraps. He would not eat any vegetables, and did not like popcorn or other chips. When we got the temp dog suddenly there was competition and all bets were off.

I was eating an antipasto salad the other night and decided to see who would eat what. Carrots: "No problem." Artichokes: "Ok, but only cause the other one is eating it and she might take mine." Olives: "Only if they are stuffed with some kind of cheese." Lettuce: "I'm only eating this green stuff because I don't want him to get more than me." Peppedew: "Nope, can't eat this stuff, she can have mine."

Both dogs had stinky butt for several hours following this experiment. Try at your own risk.

*No dogs were hurt in this story.

Or is this the real Hillary?

2008-02-24T12:19:00.001-06:00

Then I ran across this one. Notice the bobble head in the background.

The Real Hillary Clinton

2008-02-24T12:13:00.002-06:00

I ran across this video this morning and it gave me a laugh.

Manly Men

2008-02-23T14:23:00.002-06:00

I have a neighbor who is a little hen pecked. Nice guy but lost his backbone at the wedding. He is outside proving he really is a man by cutting his Christmas tree up with a chainsaw and then burning it. We have the same garbage carrier and I tossed my Christmas tree out with the garbage the day after New Years. They picked it up and took it away. No extra charge. The funny thing is there are two other neighbor guys doing the same thing this weekend. Four houses in a row and you could easily walk down the alley and tell which was headed by a single mom.

Summer breeze

2008-02-21T11:13:00.000-06:00

I have been complaining a lot about the cold winter. I can't wait for spring. The problem is up here in the nation's ice box we have spring for about a weekend before summer moves in. I remember it snowed on May 6th one year and by the end of the month it was in the upper 80's. Now that may not sound so bad being in the upper 80's but we have this horrible thing called humidity and it makes the 80 miserable especially if we haven't had the chance to acclimate. Last summer we had weeks of upper 90's with what felt like 100% humidity. There are probably 45 days out of the whole year where I don't have the heat or the a/c on. Many times I switch between the two in the same ride in my car. So I am looking forward to spring but not summer. Just a warning that the pissing and moaning doesn't stop just because it has gotten warmer....

Things I Like About Winter In February

2008-02-20T21:50:00.000-06:00

When you leave a bag of chips or a sleeve of crackers open they don't get all mushy.

It's almost over.

Jingles

2008-02-20T17:01:00.000-06:00

Minds Can be Changed

Some politicians say they are hell-bent
To beat down the establishment.
That's how they feel...that is until
They get their finders in the till.
And then they do not gloat of glower
At those up in the ivory tower.

Advertise on Ergodic Cogitation

2008-02-17T11:11:00.006-06:00

If you would like to advertise on Ergodic Cogitation please click on the PayPal button and choose the duration of your ad. Send me in an email attachment your 125X125 ad button link or if you don't have one send me the image and URL and I will create one for you. Please send to redheadshesaid@gmail.com

Ads start on Monday and run through Sunday.

ID4

2008-02-15T22:18:00.000-06:00

I am watching Independence Day for the third time this week. The second time tonight. Something is seriously wrong with me.

I got nothin'

2008-02-13T18:37:00.000-06:00

I can't think of a thing. Nothing witty, dry or pithy.
Maybe tomorrow.

I do wonder about the monkeys banging out the works of Shakespeare however...

I can't get that damn song out of my head!

2008-02-12T12:20:00.000-06:00

I hate when a song gets stuck in my head. Why is it that the song is usually one I hate? Because I have a small one I tend to get the Sagwa theme stuck in my head. It's bad enough I hate the song but I don't even understand it because it's in Japanese.

There is a trick for getting songs out of your head but you run the risk of getting an even worse one stuck there. If you want to get a song out of your head sing the jingle for Bumblebee Tuna.

Bum Bum Bumblebee, Bumblebee tuna....

Another song that works well to kick the other out is the Lumberjack song from Monty Python. This one tends to stick with you though

More Jingles

2008-02-10T15:10:00.000-06:00

The Dow Is Down

I cannot view with much panache
If there will be a fiscal crash.

So, while I hold my ball point pen
I'll scratch out if and write in when.

A 1974 Forecast

Goodbye old year we've paid your freight
With Nixon and with Watergate.

And what is worse there will be more
As we progress in '74

What's so great about farts?

2008-02-08T13:16:00.000-06:00

My midget, in all her wisdom, explained that which none of the men could:

"Farts are just your butt's way of laughing"

Thank you sweetie, now I get it.

Jingles by Jack

2008-02-06T15:53:00.000-06:00

My grandfather wrote this some thirty years ago. He wrote constantly and even self published one little book. He died long before the advent of the internet but he would have loved it. So take it away grandpa....

Our Commode

We flush our John, the water swirls
Like lithsome, graceful ballet girls.
But when its water's quiet and cool
There still remains one lonely stool.

Words I Love to Say

2008-02-05T20:01:00.000-06:00

Benjamin Netanyahu
supercilious
carbohydrate - it has to be spoken slowly to get the most fun out it.
thesaurus - I usually add an extra 'thus' to this word. Fun but hard to say.
halibut
mazel tov

Dog Poop

2008-02-04T14:10:00.000-06:00

I'm so glad it is snowing today. The dog poops are frozen in the snow and need to be covered.